A Getaway

Interesting!

I am chatting with my friend. He's in Japan. We're talking about this and that, especially about
"gebetan". And he gave me some advices regarding the summer fling of mine. I know he's not in a serious mode when he typed it as he's just mocked me for the way I told the story. Well, in fact, there were no sophisticated words in his language. But I found it so...right... "What a great analogy!!!" I said. Here's some bits of our conversation :

He says : tancep gas dong
I say : ...gue khan decided mo ngejombloe dulu aja
He says : lampu udah ijo
I say : karena gue kayanya masih enjoy living my life alone
He says : o yah? sampe kapan?
I says : ga tau juga seh sampe kapan...
He says : yah udah jangan tancep gas dulu
I say : jadi sekarang, gue mikirnya...ya we'll see aja...
He says : masuk gigi pere dulu
I say : hahahahahha
He says : jangan pasang rem tangan
I say : yoi
I say : hahahahahaha
I say : jadi pelajaran nyetir gini
He says : kalo jalannya mudun kan maju ndiri
I say : what a great analogy!!!
He says : makannya jangan pake outomatic

I dunno how you guys may think of those words. But when you read it slowly, you'll find a deeper meaning of them.

perhaps

perhaps some questions are meant to be left unanswered
perhaps that's the only way to move on
or perhaps, the answers to my questions are quite loud,
it's only a mind game, tho,
the heart cannot absorb

not fortunate to know what's happening
not possible to go back or ask

i only know
when there's no tomorrow
world will stop spinning for those
to whom my gratitude goes   

I am back!!

Yea, I've just touched down Melbourne. Finally!! For now, I am absolutely not a backpacker =)

Cheers!!

a short post before a trip to Tasmania!!

I wonder how it feels when it's time for me to leave Melbourne for good. I can already sense the uneasiness now as I'm packing for the first flight to Hobart tomorrow. Hey, I'm only going on holidays... Come on... It should be fun!! =)

I received an 'advance' birthday greeting from a friend. He's from Brunei. Thanks!! It's very nice of him. As I said to him, it's amazing he's still remember my birthday. I knew him in Korea in 2001.

Time to get some rest now.

failure teaches you to stand up,
to be stronger,
to prove that you are not anymore dissapointing the watchers
dismay teaches you not to hope,
not to think ,
so nothing, and noone, can anymore disappoint you

sometimes running is a choice
despite the privilege belongs to a child
being amongst strangers that are impossible to be the despair of the childish you
being gifted a reason

for you to face the watchers
for shielding the brittle you
for denial
why things are not the way it used to be for years
why things have changed
why some more experienced adults showcase that they've already been transported to that point

Is there any world without comparison?

I've just read an email from my friend which reminds me of one of my bestfriends. This partner-in-crime I'm talking about has just been promoted few months ago. I believed she's managed to accomplish the target that made her officially become a new manager. I'm so proud of her. And now I'm thinking about job and career again. The fear that I've been trying to ignore.

I've been thinking about it once in a while since the end of last year. Every day I'm living brings me closer to the end of this 'get away'. In less than a year, I will get a master degree, well, I have to finisih the course by the end of this year, after all. And before that time, I will have to have applied for a job. Meaning...I'll have to go through all the anxieties of getting a good-paying job again. When I was still working for the bank, though it's really tough to escalate myself in the company's hierarchy, or even to develop the inner me, I somewhat felt safe from the hassle of job hunting (at least for some time). I knew I'd been running from the conscience of doing and being the best I could. My k always reminds me that I'm still young that it's not the time for me be 'nyantai-nyantai'. "But, at least for some time, I deserve a break," I said to myself.

Where should I apply for a job? Which department/division? What kind of expertise can I offer? What kind of job that I enjoy doing? What do I want? How much salary should I ask? How much do I deserve? Everyone knows that once you're being in a company, it's very hard for you to get a salary increase -I know that some people were lucky enough with his/her networking charm when dealing with this kind of salary increase or promotion stuffs. So, the best thing to do is to propose a 'high enough' salary when you're being interviewed. But then, what could make my proposed figures justified? Am I better that the other applicants? There are so many people looking for a job nowadays that they are willing to be paid 'slightly' lower than the other candidates as long as they can get the job. How can I transfer the bargaining power into my side?

I once said this to my bestfriend. I'm now living the moment as hanging on to the past or the future can take me nowhere except to the state of content. So, I will 'minimize' the degree of comparing myself with the past of me or hoping/waiting for the future of me to change. But then, even when I'm living in the present, I will always have people around me to compare myself with. That's what people do, comparing their salaries with those of people of same age, same educational background, same etc. etc. It's good in a sense that you can gauge how far you've been outperforming others or been lagging behind, or simply whether you've been on the right track or not. But it can also be such  discouragement. And surely intensify my fear! Am I too old for that kind of competition?

Temperature : 36.6C
Humidity : 32%
The fluid is evaporating far more quickly than the intake's frequency. I don't even need to pee, it's gone already =)

Crazy summer days

It's damnnn... hot!!! Currently reaches 35.2C at my place. Ermm...no, it's just gone up to 35.3C with 36% humidity. O, God... Even the wind is hot too! The weather forecast says it can go as far as 43C max. But it usually happens to be higher than the max forecast. It feels like a day before the New Year's day again, when the crowd were lining up, trying to save some place for the fireworks in the middle of 41 or 42C temperature. Urghh...cannot imagine how sweaty and sticky it was. I didn't belong to that crowd, though, as I was with the elite who's willing to spend circa 50 bucks per person to wine and dine various 'royal cuisine', such as a gaeng kari that tastes like my mom's. I wasn't the diner, sadly. But I was quite cheered up by a family who recognized me. They've been there before and I served them exactly at the same table...and they remembered me! They're very nice mom and dad with a daughter and a son. And they didn't even bother to join the crowd to watch the fireworks. So as consolation, I considered myself a part of this other group, who thinks that a new year's eve is just another last day of the month which is, by consensus, underlined to be the point leading to a brand new page.

And by the way, it's climbing to 35.6C now. Err wait...35.7C, I mean.

No. 2 checked!!

We still got the back seats though we came around 40 min before the showtime. And...it happened to be a...'biasa-biasa aja' movie. The way the pictures were taken are awesome, but not the story. I guess what I read (plus my imagination) are better than the story unfolded there. When I read the book, my perception of a geisha started to shift to be positive. I gained an understanding that the world of geisha was a busy and tough one that it needed a high level of self-discipline. I dunno whether it's because Mineko wants to create that image on purpose (if that's the case, then she has won one) or it's because that's the way it was. Yet when I watched the movie, the intuition was twisted back en aga2 gimana...gitu ya...( I dunno how to translate this expression into English, hehehehehe). Anyway...I had another leisure day today. It's very hot today and it's getting worse on Sunday (41 degrees max!!).

when I got up early... =

from my window...starting from 6:12 to 6:44 am...

Geisha

Huayyyyyyyyyyyyy...I finally finish the 'Geisha' book! What an achievement!! hehehehehehe... I found it interesting at first, then it's getting very boring in the middle (as I couldn't imagine the details of the kimono etc. etc.) that I hardly touched the book. I thought I wouldn't manage to finish it before the movie is on, though I found that the movie is based on a different novel. Yea, silly me!! =) I knew it when I've already read half of the book. And I knew it as I read the TIME and wondered why the article told a similar but different story...hahahahahaha.... It's an interesting book, tho... At least it succeeded to keep me awake until 3am on the 17th just to finish the last chapters. And at least I've started reading, he he he...

Hope I can get the ticket today...

One of those days

The weather was pleasantly nice yesterday, the warmth and breeze was just... right -hmmm...I wonder...may be the idea that invented the 'Summer Breeze' in "our coktails list" (sounds pathetic, isn't it?) struck on one of those days. And for the first time after a while, I didn't feel lazy to go to work (it doesn't mean I was that eager as one might think, tho). It must have been because of the 2-hour nap I had after the Marketing Management class. Plus a few drops of spirit that came from a day 'off' on the previous night (Monday).


Yea, on Monday evening, my boss called me off (again!!) as I was walking through the Bali Memorial from which one could see the resto standing right at the other end. I think it's been a penchant for calling off staffs less than an hour before his/her shift starts. She said it wasn't gonna be busy that night so they didn't need so many staffs. It wasn't pissed me off like it usually does. In fact, I was so glad to hear that since I really didn't wanna work that day (what a familiar line?! :o). So I had a stroll to the city while thinking excitedly what I was gonna do when I got home. "I can do so many things tonight, I can go to Hoyts, or I can watch TV, or I can..." The list was getting longer. I decided to have a great leisure time at home (actually the word 'leisure' is seemingly inappropriate as I'm still in the middle of the 3-month break, but it's justified in this case). And you know what? It took only about an hour since I got home that I saw a missed call on my 8250. It's from my boss. I didn't call her back. And yesterday, I heard from my friend that it had turned out to be a very busy night. All tables were taken. And there were only 2 waiters plus 2 bosses who were ready to 'serve'. Even the barman was off as he got a stomach ache. Hmmm...that's why she gave me another call that night, to ask me to come back doing my shift. I had the last laugh. So immature.


Back to the 'nice day' I was talking about at the beginning, one of the meanie in the kitchen started a conversation last night. She seldom talks to us, except for when she's grumbling. The door was open so that the nice breezy air can reinvigorate the dark aura inside the resto =) She looked outside from the kitchen, and then she said to me in her Thai English, "Very nice outside. The wind nice, here is hot. But you cannot go out, everyday work here, work day to night. No time." "Yes, that's true...very true...(as if there were some degrees of truth)" I couldn't agree more. I said to myself, "Finally, somebody is making sense here; somebody is being sane and have the guts to admit that she's not enjoying the life she's in. And it's coming from someone in the kitchen, the very basic ingredient of the good food that's once listed in the Good Food Guide 2000-something (I never remember which year my boss always proclaims; I just hear and never listen to). It's obviously not 'the passion for serving good food' that my boss was talking about, again and again, at The Conservatory. It must be the passion for money, instead. He needs to convince himself that he repeated the line hundreds of times."


Yea, I'm gonna quit. I haven't decided the date, but it's soon enough. Too much intrigue inside. Like what happened last night. It wasn’t a busy night, we only got few tables filled. I never stopped working, even for a chat, as I didn’t feel like much talking that night. Yet I knew some of my tables gave me some tips (I didn’t know about the other tables but not many tables were occupied, for sure), which straightly went into the tip jar. It was only 9.20pm and I still got some customers. But then, suddenly I was allowed to sign off earlier. Do you know what it means? When you’re sent home early, it means that you won’t get the tip for that day as it’d be considered too short a shift to justify you that amount of money. It’s just the same as the ‘punishment’ you’ll get when you work for the whole shift, but none of your tables give you tips or at least there’s one customer complains about you.

 

Hhhhh…isn’t that life complicated? Some people even play politics in this waiters’ world. And most of them are only born in 1985!! I couldn’t imagine this kind of things when I was at their age. I even couldn’t believe when my honest answers could be used against me. And this occurred in my first months working at the bank.

So...Morale of the story...be nice to everyone, but trust noone (borrowing the words from my former Taiwanese neighbour at Swanston) =)

One demeaning Sunday...that's what u got when u're getting a day off from lousy bosses..

It was extremely irritating... yesterday afternoon that is...

I planned to go to the 6pm service. I left my place around 3pm as I needed to buy another memory card for my Canon and I thought it could take a while since I didn't know where to buy. I'm going to Tasmania so I thought I would need some reserves (many people say that the views in Tasmania are quite breathtaking, so I don't wanna miss it ^^). There I was...in and out camera stores along Elizabeth St. and one on Lonsdale St. It was such a bizarre giggling run... I'd never done it before on my own. Everytime I was gonna buy myself some hi-tech stuffs, I must have been accompanied with someone, well, anyone who knew what he's looking for (not what I was looking for ;p). So what I had to do was just to pick one, simply based on whether I liked or disliked the features and whether I reckoned the price was reasonable or not. Anyway...long story becomes short...I bought the 512MB one.

As I still got time, plenty of time, actually...before the service, I walked in and out accessories and clothes stores in Melbourne Central. There I found the hassle. From the first store I entered, which is Billabong, the alarm always beeped. It's not quite a trouble if it beeps when we enter a store, rite? But you know how suddenly all the people will stare at you, and how the moment becomes silent if it beeps as you walk out of the store. It kept going on and on....in every store I visited. Strangely enough, when I had told the shopkeeper about this before I left a store, so that she wouldn't look at me like I was a stealer, the alarm kept silent as I walked through. Urghhhhh...this gotta be kidding me. A shopkeeper at Witchery even stopped me and asked me to open the Bardot's shopping bag I was carrying, that means I had to tear the sealing sticker. Damn....She was there when I got in and turned the alarm on, but she didn't ask me anything. She just had a quick look on me. And you know what? I told her that it might come from the memory card I'd just bought, yea...may be it has some magnet or something that triggers the alarm. So she tried to swing it around the alarm and whallaaaa...the alarm kept quiet again. In total, I may have entered around 6 stores there...so the alarm must have rung around...12 times!!! I finally gave up. I still got more than 1 hour to go, but I stopped the 'desperately-wanna-be-famous-walk' (yea, Phina told me to look at the bright side, that is, I became famous that afternoon as everyone kept an eye on me wherever I went ;p Always think positively, mate!!) and started to ponder...is this kinda way to keep me away from shops and shopping? hehehehehe... Hm, nice try!!

Saturday afternoon's bits

I watched a bit of the "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" this afternoon. The movie was...okay... ermmm...quite amusing, perhaps, considering Keanu's geeky acting =) But what I found interesting from the show is that we, who live in the later generations, can see what's going on in the earlier times -the people and their 'fashion' and their day-to-day activities, the houses and neighborhood, the technology, culture and art, etc. And there's no way we can be as knowledgeable about the lives in the future. However, we, in fact, are only able to do or make things which can significantly affect or change the future, and not the past of which we have the access to 'all' information. Isn't that weird??? =)

Miss You Love

- Silverchair

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I’m not too sure
How I’m supposed to feel
Or what I’m supposed to say

But I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
’cause I’m coming in
With what I wanna say but
It’s gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

It’s just a fad
Part of the teenage angst brigade and
I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

Remember two days
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

(taken from http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/silverchair/124557.html)

MISSING and WAITING

Remember the list? Well... No. 3 checked. No. 5 crossed out.

Couldn't wait for another day, I had an early escapade of having a Baretto's latte an hour before the 'meeting'. As I was walking away from the AGB, I recalled the times when I warmed up myself by holding a cup of coffee tightly before a class during winter last year. And as I sipped the coffee slowly, the aroma and the taste brought back the memory of having it (so much that I didn't really care whether it's a good one or not) just to keep me awake and geared up for any readings or lectures. A regular macchiato couldn't help me through the Financial Statement Analysis class, though ;p I'll soon be in those environment again, I thought -yea, yea, I've lost half of the holiday :(. Then I asked myself, is that the one I'm actually looking forward to when I said that I was excited to start a new semester? hmmm... same thing with the idea of "I miss ... (someone/something)".

When we say that we miss someone/something, "I miss Indo" for example, do we really miss that person/thing? Ermmm...I don't think so. May be the correct sentence should sound like this, "I miss my family and friends in Indo". But then again, does it become justifiable? Again I must say, I don't think so. Because it's supposed to be, " I miss being the person I was, and being with my family and friends as they were, and doing things as we did on one of those old days". Everything changes -the place, the people (even if some people may not change for a relatively short period of time, I know I'm a different person now). So my point is that when we say that we miss someone/something, we, in fact, are missing what belongs to the past. You don't know how tomorrows are gonna be unfolded. So things may turn out against what you've been missing.

My sis was ill early this year. So she already got her (sick) leave that her workload won't allow her any more off during these months, when I'm still having my holiday. Meaning...she's not coming here. So I thought I'll have to wait for another 6 months. But the wed has been postponed. Meaning...it's gonna run the way it's said in the first place, 2 years away permitting no interlude.

When I was about to leave Indo, I thought I was gonna wait for only couple months. So I thought that March's gonna be my first pit stop. Then it became April or May -I was even willing to sacrifice my last school days before exam. Then July turned out to be impossible, as well as the next 3 months. Then this 3-month holiday I have, or at least next July. Yet suddenly, I'm back to square one. I think I'm gonna stop waiting now, waiting for anything or anyone to come here for waiting has failed me. Or should I be thankful as waiting has survived me this far by boosting me to keep moving?

O well...Get some sleep, Ayna... ^^

it's always nice when it's clean!!

I'm so content...having vacuumed my studio and cleaned up the bathroom and washed my clothes and tidied up some stuffs...taken a longgg shower and had my lunner (lunch+dinner ;p)...nothing excites me more than a clean and tidy place now. It feels so relieving...feels so right... The friend would said that I'd been so domesticated =)

too bad...it's time to go to work...yea, like a pin bursts the bubble!!!

10 things I'm looking forward to...

1. the day when I get my first-2-week salary, which happens to be not as soon as we left 31st Dec 2005 behind, as promised earlier!!!
2. watching the 'Memoirs of a Geisha'...
3. having a cup of coffee at Baretto...or at the Stokes???
4. my hair getting longer..he he..my hair has always been short since January 2002, so I think it'd be fun to try different things with my longer hair...
5. my sis coming here...my bros coming here...my koko coming here... -if this ever happens. have no idea when, tho...
6. starting a new semester. ermmm...r u sure??? definitely sure??? (with a british accent ;p) I was so excited when I was choosing some new Bantex at the Melb Uni Bookshop yesterday. I'm excited to see the booklist for a new semester, I've always been... It feels so right to start everything all over again. Though I know that I will soon find all the lectures very burdensome, like when I sat in the Marketing Management class yesterday. Talking about that class, well, I'm not actually enrolled in that subject, so it's supposed to be fun!! That's the whole point of sitting in, rite? ;) But I was spontaneously feel the urge to gather myself for a 3-hour session, despite the unsuccessful coffee hunt in the morning after an inadequate 4 hours of sleeping (thanks to Paris Hilton and her House of Wax thing!! ;p).  Trust me it was quite miserable. Then I suddenly thought, "Hey, what am I doing here?" And at the same time I said to myself, "Excited for a new semester, huh? Yea, rite!!" hahahahaha...
7. going to a beach, again...
8. moving into a new apartment, which will never be happen as I'm too lazy to look for one and to deal with moving stuffs, including all the electricity, telephone, etc. account, again.
9. travelling to Tasmania? Yea, I'm going there this late Jan.
10. my birthday??? I guess I'm too scared to face it.

1st New Year's resolution: quit my job

I feel so tired and weary. I'm not sure whether there is a single word to describe what I'm feeling. Tenuous? Ermmm..may be...

I watched 'The Chronicles of Narnia' this afternoon. It's another good movie for this week, I reckon, considering that last week I was content with 'Just Like Heaven' =). The setting is unusual and I was surprised that it reminded me of Jesus Christ. I had had no idea what Narnia was all about before I watched it. I just saw the trailer once when I was about to watch Harry Potter. And the rest was clearly following the crowd. The fact that I had to work burst the buble, though, soon after the show was over.

Yea, I started working at 7pm and yes, it was another busy nite. I don't know what's wrong with tonight, though. I had a much busier nite before. My boss was even 'nicer' than last time. But I don't think I can put up any longer than a couple of months. I've been thinking of quitting my job and enjoying my days here. I'm not sure when but the urge is getting stronger, especially after tonight. I was totally upset about the customers at one table (there were 8 of them) who kept on complaining that their food was cold. Hey, it was straight from the wok!! It's hard to believe that Melbourne's wind could possibly cut the temperature down that fast, faster than my footsteps from the kitchen to their table, which is only about 8 metres. And hallo....I'd been running back and forth since I started my shift. Well, I can't actually blame the 'king', of course... So, the choice is mine now. If I don't feel like doing it anymore, then why should I stay, rite? It's that simple.

I admit that sometimes I'm irritated by some of the customers who look down on us, the waiters/waitresses. But I'm more pissed off by the obligation to act like someone that I don't and to repeat the same things every day. When I was still on training, I remember some people were doubt that I could survive juggling studying and working. I was questioning myself too, honestly speaking. But look, I've gone this far and learned so much about myself, people, and life -more than just how to fold the serviettes and pour different beers ;p I'm just worried that I'm already used to be occupied with many things. In fact, I could appreaciate more my studying time after I had started working (true that we tend to appreciate things after they're gone). And it took all the sweats and not only me broken to move on and stand up like today.

Oh well...I'm gonna get some sleep now. At least now I've decided to quit and I can quit earlier if I need to stay until late again -a guy tried to 'make friends' when I was catching for the second-last tram tonight.

-thanks to Phina for copying me 20 great songs today!! some of them indeed remind me of my ex-es and dearests =) It goes from the Dawson's Creek OST, Meteor Garden OST, till the Miss You Love-